working draft I'm learning from this as I re-write. I think this sentence should lead off much of what get published for the sake of brevity and clarity of our cause: CPAC seeks to end cronyism between local governments and crime scene cleanup companies. You are a fluent writer. Let's place some ground rules on your editing work. Writing is re-writing. Your editing skills reflect your writing skills when you publish. Who is your audience? Stay focused on this because there's no point in pointing out what crime scene cleanup means to crime scene cleaners. Your paragraphs appear too long. Try to keep them between 3 to 6 sentences long, depending on the length of your sentences. Technical writing stays below 16 words per sentence. This is not technical writing, but thinking of technical writing helps to keep your thoughts within reach and control. I am re-writing below with some suggestions. I recommend that you get away from the lazy words, the is, are, was, were, being, been verbs. They put people to sleep. <<You are receiving this newsletter because you are a crime scene clean up company for our nation. >> The first sentence has “are” in it twice. Use the active voice rather than the passive voice. I’m not sure that a newsletter is a good term or project. A newsletter takes time and lots of content. You need content for your web sites. Don’t give away content to competitors unless they are on your side of the crony fence, for certain. CPAC stands for Cleaning Professionals Against Cronyism. CPAC shares this information for the benefit of independent crime scene cleanup companies and the general public's awareness. You know now why you must join with us or ignore us. Your future business in crime scene cleanup demands that you join us or become a crony company. Do you have the crony option? <<We want to reach out to all companies regarding cronyism and have each and every one of you help put a stop to it.>> Too dogmatic: each and everyone <<As crime scene clean up providers we are very aware that no authority figure or county employee is legally allowed to only refer one company. They must provide a list of all companies in the area that deal with these situations, so families can choose what company to deal with and what company makes them feel more comfortable. In a perfect world this would be happening, unfortunately individuals who only care about their well being and cash in their pocket are the ones involved in cronyism. Because of this, our consumers are faced each and everyday with the terrible predicament of only thinking there is one crime scene clean up company and having to put up with their inflated prices.>> This paragraph would be too long for internet readers. They want to get to the point quickly. They get lost quickly too. Too wordy. Your last sentence has about 32 words in it. The local government does not have a duty to provide a list. They do have a duty to refer all if they refer one. Why should your competitors receive coroner, medical examiner, county admenistrator, and law enforcement referrals and not you? Simple. No one has any right to government referrals without a bonafide contract open to fair bidding. I will color code this for transitions, parallelism, and active sentences when I get time. It will serve as a model paragraph for future reference. I recommend that you take it serious for writing and you will be glad that you have done so. Active words - Transition Words between paragraphs - Parallelism Eddie Evans Cleaning Professionals Against Cronyism (CPAC) seeks to end cronyism between local governments and crime scene cleanup companies. CPAC shares this information for the benefit of independent crime scene cleanup companies and the general public's awareness. Read on to learn more about your future without us. You know now why you must join with us or ignore us. Join us and belong to the solution. Ignore us and your silence equals complicity with cronyism. Do you have the crony option? Some of your competitors receive the crony option. As a result these crony companies receive the more lucrative jobs from county employee referrals. As a result, the public gets ripped-off. Unlike your crony competitors, you have competition and must work hard for referrals. You do not bid on high paying jobs. You have no opportunities to bid on high paying jobs. If you receive crime scene cleanup jobs, you drive far. You clean apartment death scenes and other free enterprise death scenes, each one a single death scene, usually. You receive hundreds of dollars in return, or a small fraction of what your crony crime scene cleanup competitors receive. Your local government ignores your pleas for equity.
Unlike you, your crony competitors do not compete for high paying jobs. These they receive from crony government employees. Your crony competitors work nearby home. Your crony competitors' rip-off their grieving clients (tax payers) for tens-of-thousands of dollars. Your local government looks the other way while some of its employees receive kickbacks. Your clients receive service from a competitive company that owes its life to its clients. You will clean your best while knowing your next job may not come for a long time. Your crony competitors belong to a quasi-monopoly and have no fear of losing work for poor cleaning. Their business receives guaranteed jobs from their local government. Your local government and their local government prefers silence for the sake of public ignorance. You belong to a meritocracy. You earn your place in the crime scene cleanup business and pay local taxes. Your crony crime scene cleanup competitors receive local government referrals, welfare. They pay local taxes with money ripped off from grieving tax payers. They belong to cronyism's aristocracy.
Now you know what CPAC stand for. Will you stand with us?
<<CPAC is an organization that has formed to stop the corruption of cronyism.>> CPAC seeks to end cronyism between local governments and crime scene cleanup companies. <<The companies that have and are joining CPAC are very aware of the problems going on in the professional cleaning industry. We have joined together to put a stop to this corruption to help you, the consumer, receive fair and equal treatment. You might not know what cronyism means, so with this newsletter we hope to bring awareness to you regarding the corruption of cronyism. >> Cronyism with crime scene clean up companies happens when a government official, funeral home director, medical examiner and anyone that is involved in accepting a pay off for their referral of a family that needs our services. Crime Scene Clean up companies takes care of unforeseen situations that might happen to you or a loved one. We deal with the clean up after the authorities end their investigation. We are here to help families deal with difficult situations involving suicide, murder, unattended death and acute blood loss. Most people don’t want to deal with a clean up of this magnitude, so that is where your crime scene clean up company comes in. Unfortunately, Cronyism is taking over and when a grieving family is going through a situation they are given a name of just one Crime Scene Clean up company. No authority figure or county employee is legally allowed to only refer one company. They must provide a list of all companies in the area that deal with these situations, so families can choose what company to deal with and what company makes them feel more comfortable. When we are dealing with Cronyism, the particular company that is strictly referred is charging you, the customer, and inflated price. They know they are capable of doing so, because they have no competition in the consumer’s eyes. By doing this, they are taking advantage of you and insurance companies. These clean up companies are not just taking part in cronyism, but also insurance fraud.
Now put yourself in that situation, if you were going through a tragic event, I’m sure the last thing you want to worry about is being victimized by your clean up company and victimized by your government. With this newsletter we are bringing awareness to what’s going on and awareness of all the crime scene clean up companies in your area that are here to help 24/7. Don’t find yourself being a victim of cronyism, and help stop it.
You might be involved in cronyism without knowing it. If you are a company that refers services to one specific Crime Scene Clean up company, you might not know there are many of us around. Don’t let this corruption continue. Don’t let Cronyism take advantage of people who are grieving and give everyone a fair shot. All Crime Scene Clean up companies around the nation are standing together in this issue, we are working to stop cronyism and are involving all our local governments to help stop the corruption.
Check out www.cpac.mobi we are a non profit organization and rests assure all companies that are part of this organization will provide you with the fair treatment and price you deserve.
Thank you for taking the time to learn about cronyism.
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